Family Series: Dysfunction
The Family Series:
In light of the holiday season, I thought it would benefit all of us if we went through a little family series. We all find ourselves spending a little more time with family members we may avoid throughout the year. What better way to start this season off right, then to talk about the GOOD, the BAD, and the MESSY of family.
Drop a comment about your funniest story of family dysfunction.
My dad and I were chatting at the breakfast table during Thanksgiving break. We were talking about memories and family and all the things we have been through. I’ve dealt with a lot in my forty short years on this planet. Not as much as so many of you, but my own kind of dysfunction. From alcoholism to financial distress to divorce, our family has overcome much. I remember a time being so terrified that, due to surrounding circumstances, I wouldn’t see my dad again. Yet, there we sat. Talking like old friends; healthy.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Dysfunction runs rampant in all our families. We can’t escape it. This really is life, faith, and their messy mingling at its finest. Even Jesus tells his disciples, his friends, that they will face trouble. It is a part of life. But, we aren’t hopeless. There is peace.
Family can be hard. Family is messy. Funny how human we really are. Add the holidays to the mix and everything feels exaggerated. I am here to give you hope; to let you see someone who once felt hopeless in the dysfunction of her family and yet, found herself sitting at the table across from her dad feeling that peace that Jesus talks about.
Our family was always up and down and all around. We are a highly emotional bunch. Whether positive or negative, we express ourselves loud and vibrantly. When I was a little, we were on cloud nine. We were doing great financially and looked like your typical American family. Behind closed doors, we fought hard. We loved well, but anger reared its ugly head from time-to-time and it wasn’t pretty. At the end of junior high, we lost our home and things went downhill. Financially we were struggling and that meant so many things; one being that I didn’t fit in with my well-off peers in Orange County, California. Alcohol started to weave its way into my parents lives only exacerbating the situation. I struggled my way through college holding down three jobs to cover tuition and rent. While there was so much love to be had and I always knew my parents were proud of me, life felt heavy and hard.
The pattern continued through my young adult life. Family gatherings were riddled with stress. As I started having children, my parents started falling further apart until one day they divorced. Boundaries were in place and distance was felt. We all felt the dysfunction. As years passed, new spouses entered the story and lives moved on. There was something in all of us, a sort of will of the spirit, that helped each of us fight to keep the sanctity of our family in tact.
Today, we still have a lot of feelings about all the things. We aren’t perfect nor are we completely healed. We choose love over dysfunction. We choose time together over ignoring one another over hurts past. We choose each other because we are family and that matters.
We faced lots of trouble. We faced many trials. We were all dysfunctional a time or two. Yet, we can all be together without discomfort. We all want to see each other and know the value of time. We have overcome our obstacles because we understand that peace of God. We grasp onto grace like it is our lifeline and it is. Because as much as each of them has wronged me at some point, I have also wronged them.
As my dad and I talked I wondered out loud why we managed to dig ourselves out of the pit as a family when others seem to dwell in their dysfunction and he looked at me and said, “God.” We have faith. That’s our unifying factor. Our faith is what enables us to forgive. Our faith is what enables us to give grace when it is undeserved. Our faith is what sustained us in the dirty, messy, dark times when we thought it was over. Our faith is what has healed us so that we may be a unified family again.
Maybe this holiday season feels heavy and burdensome. You are dreading the holidays because you know you are going to encounter family that makes you feel yucky. Can I give you a little hope. It doesn’t have to feel that way. Jesus tells us this world can be troublesome. He also reminds us, though, that there is peace in the distress. He is near. He hasn’t left your side. He will guide you through this season. You have permission to establish healthy boundaries even if they are hard. You are welcome to step away if the situation does not merit a healthy you mind, body, and spirit. Remind yourself of the why: why do we celebrate Christmas. We celebrate because of Jesus.
If Jesus is our reason, than all the dysfunction can shed off our backs. Our focus and attention is no longer on the despair but on the Hope. He is what we lean into when the family feels too hard. He is our family. I have had many seasons where I latched onto Jesus harder than ever because he was all I had. Dysfunction, to some extent, is a choice. Will you let it rule you this season or will you let Him free you?
Family is messy. Family can be hard. But Jesus. Lean into the one who this season is all about. Pray. Forgive. Release. Give grace. And maybe, just maybe, one day you will sit at the kitchen table with your family and wonder how you’ve made it this far.
Love & Blessings,
Meg