Anxiety Part Three: Choked
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post one year ago.
Four years ago, my eyes were opened to a major personality flaw. We had just sold our house and moved about twenty minutes away into an apartment. We were building another house and it wouldn’t be ready for ten months. When we first entered this season, I was excited and thought it would be a nice change. Simpler is better became my mantra. And then it hit.
I had a two year old, three year old, six year old, ninety-pound one year old lab, and a traveling husband. We lived on the second floor. Managing a dog who needed to go out and babies that needed to get to the car with all their stuff was a challenge. If you have skeletons in your closet that you are trying to stuff away, they will appear at the very worst times: like when you are living in a very small space dealing with the stress of parenting, building, and having your teammate gone.
We moved into the apartment in August and I felt the change in me that October. I remember a friend coming over one night when my husband was away and I completely broke down in my kitchen. I mean, I lost it. She hugged me and told me I could do this when I told her I couldn’t. I felt exhausted, worn down, and worn out. I was so filled with anxiety that it was choking me.
“As for what was sown among the thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.” Matthew 13:22
I am a Christian. I believe in a Savior who leads me into peace. My entire faith is built on hope. And I had none. I was hopeless and didn’t know how to dig myself out of my anxious hole. I felt like I was in too deep and all alone. No one talks about this silent issue and it’s time we opened our mouths. You know what kept me there? I told myself I know better and should do better. I thought I was stronger than this and it destroyed me to know that I couldn’t get myself out.
I felt shamed.
Choked.
Through the help of friends, my husband, family, and lots and lots of prayer, I made it through that season. As much as I wish I didn’t have to go through that, I am so thankful that skeleton came out and scared me. If it hadn’t, I would have continued to stuff leading me who knows where.
I still struggle with anxiety from time to time. Nothing like I dealt with before, but it’s still there. When I feel it, I get those feelings of inadequacy again. Why can’t I just overcome? And then I read Matthew 13:22.
I was in the Word. I am in the Word. I pray. I believe in Jesus. I know the truth. Yet, I allow the cares of this world to choke my faith. I allow the weeds and thorns to infiltrate the garden God is building in me and I can’t breath. This verse was EYE OPENING. Matthew 13:22 is my freedom.
Interesting that in all the years I have read Matthew 13:22 I have never given much time to this verse. Until today. God knew I couldn’t process this verse until the right time. Four years later. He knew I needed to experience a time when I could barely get one foot in front of the other so I could realize I needed to fully rely on Him. I needed a season where I couldn’t breath so I could allow Him to be my breath. I couldn’t see what that verse had to say until I experienced what I had to experience.
“If you continue to let the stress and worries of this world choke His instruction, then you will live everyday without peace. You have effectively decided that your stress trumps God’s power to answer.” Angela Thomas.
WHAT?!?!?! This is life changing. How long am I going to let stress trump God’s power? My answer today is NEVER. His power is stronger than my stress or anxiety. He is stronger than anything we can face. His Word says is again and again. He tells us not to fear 365 times in the Bible. So, what on earth am I fearing? God’s power TRUMPS my stress not the other way around.
I know these things. It’s time I believe them. It’s time I believe Him. No longer will I allow the stresses, worries, and anxieties of this life choke His truths. They are stronger.
This is not the post I had in mind to write today. This post wasn’t even on my radar. I already wrote a post entitled, “Crippling,” awhile back and thought I covered this topic. But, I feel like someone needs to hear this today.
I am not healed. I don’t think I ever will be. Like Paul says, this may be my thorn in my side. I need to be reminded that I need Him and I need to be reminded that He is stronger. You are perfect even in your weakness. Know that He is stronger today. Thus, YOU are stronger.
“…or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is <b>sufficient</b> for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (Emphasis mine)
Love & Blessings,
Meg