I Found Joy

I was brushing out my wet hair thinking about what a nice day I was having. The weather outside was gorgeous for December 1st. We all took the morning slow staying in our pjs well past the morning. We had nothing on the agenda. I was excited to get started on some things for my ministry. The boys were happy and calm. The day was good. If I am being completely honest, days like this used to terrify me. 

It is no secret that I deal with anxiety. I hide it well, so many don’t even know the crazy that can go on inside this brain of mine. I remember when Scott proposed to me. I was so afraid. I wasn’t afraid of marriage. I was afraid of marrying him. I knew he was the one. I knew I was going to marry him. But, I was scared. We had been through the ringer in our six years of dating. When we began our relationship, he didn’t believe in marriage, had no desire to have children, and did not know Jesus. When he proposed, he had obviously changed his mind about marriage, wanted to have children, and had found the Lord when we were on one of our “breaks.”

I went to winter camp with our church youth group soon after he proposed. I was a leader and I was a mess. I was laying on my bottom bunk during free time bawling my eyes out like a fool. Our youth pastor’s wife came in and caught me. Look, just because you are a leader doesn’t mean you don’t struggle with life and the Lord. You’re human. It’s part of the mess.

Of course, she asked me why I was crying. I explained my fears through my tears and she listened like all good youth pastor’s wives do. Then she said to me, “Why don’t you just enjoy this moment. Enjoy the excitement of being engaged to your best friend. Enjoy the anticipation of what is to come. Enjoy today. Just today.” Funny. My husband/fiance at the time, had said those exact words. Ugh. God was trying to get His point across and I was having a hard time listening.

When joy comes across my desk, I struggle to live in it. Oftentimes, I convince myself I don’t deserve the goodness and gift that it is. I create disaster stories in my head of what is to come because surely, this joy cannot last forever. I used to fear joy.

I know I am not alone in this. Somehow, someway, many of us have convinced ourselves that our good God doesn’t want us to stay in the goodness for very long. We watch others suffer and think that is all there is to life. Lamenting. Suffering. Trials and challenges. That is what Christianity is made of, right?

No. That is not what it is made of. Sure, we will have trials. James 1 talks all about that. Of course we will find ourselves in seasons of suffering. We live in a broken world. But, Jesus didn’t come to oppress us. He came to free us. The moment we walk towards Him, He gives us life. And He doesn’t just give us an ordinary life. He gives us life to the fullest.

“I am the gate. If anyone enters through Me, he will be saved. He will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and life in its fullness. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” John 10:9-10

Stop right now and close your eyes with me. Well, hold on a sec. Let me give you some instructions first. When you close your eyes, envision what your life would look like if you chose to live it out fully. When the season explodes with joy, what would it look like if you embraced it? How would you feel? This. This is how He intends us to live.

I have learned to enjoy my life. I have recognized good seasons and allowed myself to exhale in them. I have stopped trying to anticipate what could maybe come next. Because I have learned that when I allow myself to be robbed of the joy, when I steal that moment of goodness in my life and replace it with anxious thoughts, I am taking away the life He intended me to live.

Hard times will come. It’s inevitable. But, we were never created to live in those times. Our valleys of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4) moments are just that: moments. They are valleys we are to walk through not live in. Stop robbing yourself from a full life. You deserve it even though you didn’t earn it. You are His and He came for you to have a fulfilled life in and through Him.

Once I released myself from the chains of what-if, my view shifted from fear to disbelief (in a good way). I couldn’t believe how good my life really was. I had chained myself to the fear of what may come next that I couldn’t see the goodness right in front of me. 

I finished brushing my wet hair and added a headband to make it look like I tried. I walked out of my bedroom and outside to feel the warmth on my face. I looked at my youngest and the pile of laundry in his room and thanked God. This season is sweet and I am going to enjoy the heck out of it. It is a gift that I am choosing to open and enjoy. Go ahead, open your gift. He is giving you life and life in abundance.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

Love & Blessings,

Meg