A Disappointing Me

A friend told me I am a tough one to crack. I am guarded. This surprised me a bit. I consider myself a people person. If I’m a people person, how can I be guarded. Her words had value. They were not met with a brick wall or emptiness from me. I didn’t brush them aside and pretend she was crazy and they weren’t true. While I am a people person, I am also guarded. And I didn’t even realize it.

I know part of it reflects being hurt by past friendships. I am healed but there are scars. There is, however, another part that goes beyond being hurt by someone else. I started doing some digging in my soul and found some things.

I am guarded because I am afraid of disappointing you. Yep. You. It’s funny because I preach all day long to women about their value and worth. I tell you to do things scared and unqualified because I know and believe that God will fill your empty spaces and inadequacies. I know this for me. I believe this for you.

I stay guarded because I believe in the deep dark depths of my soul (The parts no one sees. Not even me.) that you will be disappointed when you really get to know me. That I have created such a persona that when you get to know the real me, the messy crazy neurotic me, you will walk away.

Maybe this is because I have had friends walk away. I have had people close to me leave when the real, honest, and vulnerable me came out. Maybe I’ve led myself to believe I lie. I know it’s both.

Because my brave friend was courageous enough to speak a hard truth in my life, I can reflect, respond, and heal. Don’t ever underestimate those tough talks. Don’t run away from them. Don’t try and hide. Take their courageous love for you as the gift that it is: a gift of truth that may lead you to a freedom you never thought you knew.

Love & Blessings,

Meg