I’m Not Responsible

I received a text from a friend filled with concern. She saw some things a mutual friend was doing and it broke her heart. She knew life wasn’t found it that space but didn’t know what do.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever seen a friend struggle or make choices that you know weren’t good for them? You want to scream into a megaphone and tell them not to go that way, but you know that would lead to the friendship ending.

I sat on this text for a bit. I didn’t know what to do, either. I just knew we had to be careful how we acted because it would mean the difference between helping save this friend or pushing them away forever.

I remember having a conversation with my dad when I was 19 or 20. I don’t remember the context but I do remember one thing he told me that day. He reminded me that my job isn’t to save: to save them from themselves, to save them from the choices they are making, to save them from hurt. My job isn’t to change or fix you. My job is to love you.

I am a fixer by nature, so while this may sound like common sense, it’s super hard for me. Being an Enneagram one, I have all the rules and the process to living life well. If you would just listen to me, I can get you on the right track to good living.

Ha! Typing that out sounds ridiculous. But, it’s honest. It’s who I am and if I am going to walk with you as we find faith in the mess, well, I’ve got to show you my mess.

So, how do I do this? How do I remind myself that my responsibility is to love and not fix? I found my answer in Matthew 9:27-38. Through these verses I was reminded that it is really difficult for people to see when pride has overwhelmed them. When you look at our lives, most of our issues are rooted in pride. This helps me realize that any argument I try to have with my friend will be met by the brick wall of pride. She cannot hear me right now so arguing my case would be detrimental rather than helpful.

Instead of trying to convince her to change, I love her. Most of the time, your friend knows what they are doing, the choices they are making aren’t the best. They don’t want to be reminded. Loved, however? Well, that feels different. It opens a door and starts to knock that wall down.

Later in those same verses I learn that even the meanest (or most deceived) souls are precious to Jesus. Precious. If they are precious to Him, then they must be precious to me. Am I living like my friend is precious to me or is my life narrative more evident to her? This is where love enters in again. And the wall crumbles a little bit more. (Because who doesn’t want to be seen as precious?)

The last thing I learned from Matthew 9 was that Jesus has compassion on His people that are like sheep scattered without a shepherd. We can look straight in front of us and see this as true. We see so many that are scattered, rushing here, there, and everyone, sometimes wandering in circles with no clear direction. They have convinced themselves they are walking straight and with purpose (hello, pride). Jesus has compassion on them. In the midst of their wandering, he loves them. There it is again: love.

This is where I find my peace when I watch my friends struggle. I want to shout from a mountaintop, “S T O P ! ! !” But, I stop myself instead. I remember that He has compassion on her. He thinks she’s precious (and she is). So, I love her and let Him do the rest. I trust that He loves her more than me and He will awaken her soul to see Him…especially if I choose to love her out loud.

Love & Blessings,

Meg