Algorithms, Followings, and Instagram

679.

That’s my number.

In the Instagram and social media world, that number is minute, miniscule, unworthy of attention. For me, it signifies freedom.

When you try to step into the business of a writing ministry, numbers (unfortunately) matter. We don’t want to succumb to, or admit that we have succumbed to, the games of the world when speaking about Jesus, but the world tries real hard to make the rules and sometimes wins. If you want to write, whether faith-based or not, you better have a following if you want to matter; if you want to go anywhere in this industry.

Can I be honest? I am not here for that. I’m just not. Oh, you better believe that I have tried. I have tried all the tips and tricks to gaining a following to no avail. Instead, I was left with a lot of bad feelings.

What am I doing wrong?

Do people not like me?

How come others seem to gain a following so easily, yet I can barely get five new ticks up on that number?

Am I not qualified?

Am I like one of those American Idol contestants who doesn’t realize they can’t sing? Maybe I suck at this writing thing.

And on and on. I was left with a feeling of ick; a feeling of, “this is not me.” I am not one to chase. I am one to lead.

This morning, on my way home from dropping the boys off at school, I noticed four birds sitting on a wire. Birds are a common sight right now. We have an overabundance of creepy black birds that like to congregate on the wires in intersections. These were not black birds, though. They were doves. Maybe that’s why they caught my eye. I noticed one of the four was a little rebellious. All his pals were sitting on the wire facing on direction and he was facing the other. For some reason, I laughed audibly when I saw that. I said, “Ha. That’s me, huh God.” I am that bird. I have a real hard time doing what everyone else is doing but not really wanting to do it anyway.

I have learned to own that I am that bird. I don’t fit into the molds or play by the rules. Never really have. Sometimes it empowers and helps me. Sometimes, it’s to my own detriment (and hopefully I learn a little when it does). For the longest time, I fought being that bird. I chased and I tried to fit into the writing rules of this world wanting that following number to increase only to be disappointed and doubt myself when it didn’t. And then God would humble me some more and let even more of my followers go away. What I didn’t realize in that season is that I needed it. I needed the number to stay small. I needed the following not to grow. Because if it had, I would have lost my focus, lost who I am, and lost the whole reason I even started this gig: to share my heart and my mess in my pursuit of Jesus.

Before, when I was striving to matter in this weird writing/social media space, the depletion of a following discouraged me to the point of questioning and doubting who I was and what I was here for. Now, however, I feel free and empowered. I am that bird who doesn’t follow the norm and I like her a whole lot.

The only person who has a following is Jesus. Not me. I am not here to accumulate people online. I am here to share my heart: my heart for Jesus. Take me as I am. And if I am not your cup of tea, find someone who is. Better yet, just go straight to Him.

Keep dwindling, little Insta number. It makes me happy and free and focused on what matters. And what matters, honestly, isn’t what is contained in this little internet space. What matters is the life I live outside of it. So, life I will live. I will be messy and whole and out of the crowd and sometimes in it. But, at the end of the day, is that I fully gave myself to Jesus in each breath He blessed me to breathe. Amen.