Finding Faith in the Mess
I didn’t become myself until I tried to be her. I love Ree Drummond and Joanna Gaines. I mean, who doesn’t? What a dream to create beautiful meals in the middle of nowhere and design gorgeous spaces! I spent years trying to be someone else. …
FLASHBACK FRIDAY: A Post on Motherhood to Celebrate All The Mamas Out There
Ten years ago my husband and I loaded everything we owned into a moving van. We strapped our 15-month old into his car seat and headed 3,000 miles east to plant new roots in the middle of the country. I had a deep longing to stay at home with our son and moving was the only way we could live this lifestyle. Everything I had known, most of my identity, was stripped away from me the moment we pulled out of the driveway. No longer was I a teacher. I had graduated from college so student-life was a thing of the past. My family and friends all stayed behind so I had to find a new village. The only part of me that remained was wife and mom. Two things I cherish(ed) but I wasn’t used to them being the only things that defined me. Transition. Change. It’s the hard stuff.
Flash-forward and I have been a stay-at-home mom and wife for ten years. I have found my identity in this role and gotten comfy. I dappled in photography and taught preschool for a split-second, but, the majority of who I am is found in wife and mom taking care of the home front. I like it. I don’t want to let go of it but I feel it slipping through my fingers like wet sand.
My boys are my entire world. I wake up every day and think of the things I need to do to care for them. As every mom knows, that list is long and seemingly endless. They always have needs. Always. But, I happily oblige these things because those boys are literally my whole life; my whole world. Yes, I am a daughter of the King first, wife second, and mama third. I get that and try my very best to live out that pyramid. I also know, that in this season, I am called to our home and the raising of these kids. However, something very peculiar is happening and it’s happening fast: they’re growing up. (Que the ugly cry)
I gave up myself so that my boys could have a good life. I chose to leave my identity behind so I could fully take on the role of mom. I am here for them most of the time. They have a need, there I am. Lately, however, these kiddos have desired a little freedom. Mind you, I do not do everything for them. I truly believe in teaching kids from a very early age how to care for themselves and be an active participant in the needs of the home and family. What I am referring to when it comes to freedom is the need to explore outside of my hovering. They want to ride their bikes with their friends around the neighborhood. They want to go down to the lake and explore without mom right behind them. My oldest wants to stay home instead of run errands. Mom is still needed but in a different capacity.
My whole life and my whole world is growing up entirely too fast. It is such a bittersweet experience. I absolutely LOVE sitting back and watching my boys become their own person outside of their dad and I. It’s like a glimpse into their future selves. My oldest is going to his first day of middle school on Monday and while I feel more sad about this than the day he entered kindergarten, there’s an excitement within me knowing I will get to witness my boy become a man in the next few years. What a privilege.
My boys will always need me. Their needs may change, but there will always be a need for their mama. What they need from me now is space: space to grow, space to be, space to make mistakes, space to be alone. It’s scary entering this new world. How do you let your whole world go? It’s like the first time your toddler tells you, “I do it.” On one hand, you are elated that you no longer have to buckle them into their car seat because they can do it and on the other hand you want to cry because they no longer need you in that capacity. I am there only their “I do its” usually refer to doing something completely outside of me.
Motherhood. It’s this black hole of so much love and indescribable emotion. You feel like your heart may explode because you love them so much. You want them to need you while at the same time, you just want to pee alone. Your parents and those older and wiser tell you it all goes so fast and you don’t believe them. And then one day you blink and the 15-month old that you buckled into his car seat before you gave your life away to be his mama became this incredible young man about to enter middle school. It’s a wicked game that time.
My whole life and my whole world are growing up at warp speed. I can’t slow time down. I wish I could but I can’t. All I can do is savor the moments; collect them in a jar in my heart and let them be. It’s truly a gift to witness these little guys grow. It’s been a wild ride. One I will never ever regret.
I am so thankful I gave myself up so I could be their mama. And just because they may grow to be taller than me doesn’t change who I am to them. I will always be their mama.
“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” Psalm 127:3-5
Love & Blessings,
Meg
The complexities of faith. We google and search trying to find answers to our faith. We look up the Hebrew and Greek translations studying the context of the time trying to make sense of it all. We listen to the voices from the pulpit and …
I have a circle. You do, too. Inside of our circles are all the rules; a certain way to live. We like things a certain way. We also like to force others to live inside our circles. We desire them to abide to our rules, …
We get some pretty good fog here in North Texas. Growing up in Southern California, fog was a normal occurance. The dense air would usher in off the coast making it difficult to see. When I moved to the middle of the country, I didn’t expect to see fog again. I always associated it with the coastline. Being that we are no where near any ocean, I didn’t expect to see fog; especially fog as dense as we get here.
The fog was bad. I had to drive about forty-five minutes away to downtown Dallas for a field trip for my son. I was white knuckling it most of the way until the fog cleared. I literally could not see three feet in front of me. The fog was heavy and dense.
The fog can be like life. Everything seems to be rolling in on you at times. All the ick. The yuck. The mire. It rolls in quickly blinding you. So thick that you cannot see your hand in front of your face. You think you’ll never see again. It feels heavy. Burdensome. Eventually, however, the fog lifts. The light penetrates the darkness bringing reprieve and vision back to the soul. Life ushers back in. The petals on the flowers open and reaching for the light once again.
The fog won’t last forever. The heaviness won’t weigh you down for very long. You will no longer be overcome. The fog will lift. The light will get in once more. You will see again.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5
The fog cleared about halfway through my drive and I exhaled. I released the tight grip from my steering wheel and the blood started to enter back into my fingers. The light came back and allowed me to drive with ease and get to my destination safely. I was nervous there for a second. I thought I may have to turn around the fog was so blinding. I am glad I didn’t. I am glad I stayed the course and waited for the light to shine through. Because I did, I got to spend an incredible day with my son. If I would have let the fog, the darkness, win, I would have missed that special time with him.
The fog will not overcome you. You only need to push through. His light will shine through again.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
In Discerning the Voice of God, Priscilla Shirer talks about how we can be functional lepers. She gave some background to leprosy explaining that the disease can lay dormant for years without anyone knowing you have it. The diseased individual knows he or she is sick, but …
When we live in others’ perception of ourselves, we are deceived. When we live for our own perception of ourselves, we are deceived. Only God’s perception matters. I have a saying written on a chalkboard in my office. It reads, Confidence in Christ. I wrote the …
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
Your child comes tearing into the house tears streaming down his face. He fell. His knee is scraped. You wipe his tears, give him a hug, and find a spiderman bandaid to cover his ouchie. Healing an external wound is easy. There is nothing a bandaid and a mama’s kiss can’t heal after a fall. Internal wounds, well, those types of wounds are very different.
Wounds can run deep. We all are wounded at some point in our lives. Sometimes, we can heal and move on quickly. Other times, we carry these wounds with us for years.
There are many reasons we carry old wounds. Running from them seems easier sometimes. We like to bury our wounds in the depths of our souls thinking they won’t find us. But, we all know that eventually they do.
I have watched friends I care about and love dearly hold tightly to wounds they should no longer bear. They try to run and hide from the hurt losing sight of true healing. All too often, I watch them get sidetracked and distracted and all of a sudden find themselves on a road to healing the wrong wound.
We are carrying old wounds because we are trying to heal the wrong hurts.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, it is easier to run than take responsibility. We are scared. We are ashamed. We know we have to face these wounds but instead, all we want to do is look the other way. We mask them with other issues crying out to our village to help us. We don’t listen when those who love us reveal our hurts because we don’t want to hear it. We just can’t face it. But, let me say this, sometimes, the gift of confrontation is greater than the gift of comfort.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:6
We try and run and hide our true wounds from our friends and thus, they have good intentions, only they end up helping us heal in the wrong area. We drink away our wounds or swallow a pill hoping and praying that brings us peace. Yet, we are still hurting; so desperate.
You can’t change what you won’t face.
We are too scared to face our wounds because we have a distorted view of God and his plan for us. We don’t trust him. We don’t rest in him. We don’t see him as our healer. We don’t rely on him. We think he is mad at us. We believe he will be angry with us and make us pay. All of this, every single bit, is a lie and the enemy would love nothing more than to keep you in this space.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid John 14:27
It is time you break free.
God wants to heal your wounds. Yes, those very deep ones that are going to leave a nasty scar. Those are the ones that will bring you the greatest freedom when you finally let go. They are the wounds that will draw you the closest to your Healer when you finally face them.
What are you running from?
What wounds need healing?
He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24
It is time to heal the right wounds releasing yourself to full freedom and healing in the One who heals. He is near. He wants to make you whole. It is time you let him.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
