Finding Faith in the Mess
Have you ever questioned whether you were on the right path? Do you wish God would come down, sit next to you, and tell you your life plan? You have your map all laid out and then the road starts to curve. Better yet, there’s …
You ARE valued. You ARE valuable. You ARE worthy. You ARE highly favored. You ARE loved. We need YOU. My youngest was taking a bath in my bath tub while I was getting ready for bed. We were chit-chatting about things when he noticed a …
When we first decided we were going to move to Texas twelve years ago, my husband and I hopped on a plane and flew to the Lone Star state to check it out. We’d drive the communities we were interested in and begin planning and dreaming. We came across a little sleepy town just north of Dallas. My husband loved it. This girl? Well, I was a little apprehensive. You see, coming from Southern California, I was used to having neighbors and everything at my discretion. I was worried about the traffic I would encountered trying to get to Target on the two-lane country road and that I would be lonely because I would have cows instead of people for neighbors. Little did I know that we would eventually move to that little sleepy town.
After settling down and creating roots in Texas, we decided to move again. We needed something different; something that fit our family at this stage of life. I remember we would drive around before our date nights trying to find that perfect neighborhood. We kept coming back to the one with the lake. I mean, what boy wouldn’t love a lake and dirt trails to play in? It was perfect for our family. We walked the model home a few times and while my husband bought the house for the lot, I loved two things about the house: the playroom was tucked away upstairs (Say goodbye to hearing noisy boys 24/7) and this little sitting room right off the master.
Oh, I had BIG dreams for that little room. And dreams they were. Who was I thinking that I would ever use that room given the fact that I had a 2, 3, and 6 year old at the time, let alone sit down? I loved that room. It was mine. And after sharing my body and my space with so many boys for so long, I was ready to have something all my own; even if that meant I never sat there.
Flash forward a few years and the boys were finally in school. I found myself sitting in that room a little more. I’d sit and read, do my Bible study, and take a quick snooze on the little love seat. Anything to get in that space. There was something magical when I was in there. Maybe it was a place where I could finally breath. A place that was girly and held my visions. Little did I know, this room was going to be a place where I launched a dream.
It’s funny how God starts stirring in your soul way back when and you had no idea He was even working in that moment. When we decided to build this model, that little sitting room was a sweet dream coming to life. I could see all my visions pinned to a board in the closet space. This room was a nod to opportunity for me even though I had no idea what that opportunity was.
Here I sit, five years later, in that little sitting room. Dreams have been birthed in this space. Tears shed. Passions launched into reality. I walk by my room, look inside, and sigh. God knew all along. He knew before we broke ground and put up the walls what this space would hold for me. He saw my dream before it was planted in my soul and He gave me this space to discover it.
Anytime I feel discouraged in this process, I remember the room. I remember that He saw what was to come for me before I even gave light to the idea. He spoke something in me before it was even a thought on my radar. He has great plans for me and that little room. I know because I am living it.
He has great plans for you, too. Plans you cannot envision for yourself today because it is not time for them to be revealed. Remember all those years ago I thought I would never sit in that space. The life before me during that time did not permit it. Motherhood to three babies called for my attention instead. He knew, however, and He saw what I couldn’t see. I was blinded by diapers and potty training and trips to and from preschool. I was busy and distracted in that season, all the while, God was preparing a place, that room, for me to live out a dream. He’s doing the same for you. Don’t lose hope.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Love & Blessings,
Meg
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not …
FLASHBACK POST: …a continuation of my series on miscarriage.
This entry is vulnerable, real, and raw. The dead of night is always the hardest when you are going through something tough. It is when you are completely alone in your feelings. I remember this night like it was yesterday. While it was difficult, it was also so very sweet. The time I had with the Lord during this trial is something I envy now. I wanted you, dear reader, to know that in the dead of night when it hurts so deep you don’t think you will pull out of it, you are not alone.
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I went to bed last night defeated. I wept myself to sleep praying to God. I am overwhelmed. I don’t know what to say or pray. I begin asking God the “why’s.” Why am I still going through the physical aspects of a miscarriage? It’s been almost a month. Why was my uncle taken so quickly from my aunt and his children? They were supposed to grow old traveling together and enjoying one another. Why are my best friends being put through the trial of their life with no answers? Why does their sweet baby boy who is a perfect angel have to endure this? Why are our friends in California enduring a trial that has lasted more than two years? Why God? Why? To top it all off, I was exhausted and Jackson would not go down. Scott and I tried for over two hours to get the little guy down but he would cry so hard he made himself sick. So, he ended up in our bed. Although this usually is a blessing, I know I am not going to get the much needed rest I longed for because I would have toddler toes stuck in my ribs all night. I did, however, finally fall asleep around midnight.
Two hours later I was awakened by one of our loudest thunderstorms yet. With lightning flashing all around illuminating our room and thunder booming viciously, I begin to sense God’s power. I have always had a fear of thunderstorms from the time I can remember. I don’t know why. My heart was racing at first, and then I was calmed. I realized that God is all powerful. He is in control. He showed me His power last night as the hail came plummeting down and the rain poured out of the clouds so fast that I thought the water was going to break through our roof. However, I was not afraid. I basked in God’s power.
I thought about all the trials that are in and around me. They reminded me of this storm; a violent turn in all our lives that we don’t understand. As the storm kept on ferociously I began to think about our trials and how excruciatingly painful they are; how bad they hurt. Like the storm, they twist and turn in us and seem like they are never going to end. Then, there is silence. The storm just stops. The house is quiet; still. “Be still and know that I am God.”(Psalm 46:10) He will quiet the storm. He always does even when it seems like it will never end. The clouds will roll back and the sun will shine. Our trials, too, will fade. And we will see His glory and sense that refreshing clean smell that comes after a good hard rain.
So, what did I learn. I learned that the storm is hard right now. But, even in the midst of the chaos of lightning flashes and thunder rolling, He is still near. He is powerful and shall overcome the burden(s) that are so deep. I fought having Jackson in our bed last night. I wanted to drown my sorrows in a meaningless TV show and then fall asleep. But God knew better. He knew that I’d want my baby next to me when the storm hit. He knew I’d be blessed at 2am to have my muchkin breathing sweetly in my ear as the thunder rolled. He knew. I fought. In the end He won and I was blessed. This is my revelation.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
FLASHBACK FRIDAY: A Post on Motherhood to Celebrate All The Mamas Out There Ten years ago my husband and I loaded everything we owned into a moving van. We strapped our 15-month old into his car seat and headed 3,000 miles east to plant new …
FLASHBACK POST I wrote this post a year ago when I turned 39. I have loved my thirties but I am ready to move on to the next chapter. I must say, I stuck to my mission for my year of 39: to be stronger …
FLASHBACK FRIDAY
The boys recently asked my about my teaching past. They wanted to know what grades I taught and what I thought of the kids. They asked if it was hard and if I liked to teach. Jack asked me if I wanted to teach again and I told him I wasn’t sure. I let him know I was still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. He thought that was funny since I am already grown…obviously.
The next day I felt blah. Nothing happened to dampen my mood. I just was. I was feeling lonely, inadequate, and useless. No one said anything to make me feel this way. It was just one of those moments. I am merely a stay-at-home mom who folds laundry and packs lunches. Am I really contributing to this world? I know raising my boys is the most important thing I will ever do, but I wondered if there is more for me. Is there something waiting for me that I am missing? Am I valuable?
I realized that I find value in doing. My value, in my mind, is linked to what I do. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I find my worth in the things I do or accomplish. I know this is backwards and not right. I know it in my mind. I just have to get that knowledge to my heart. For so long my worth and value came from my degrees, my career, and then my kids. Now, I stay home making dinner and playing chauffeur. Is that enough? Am I doing enough?
I am not more valuable in the busy. A career doesn’t give me value. Popularity or the amount of friends I have doesn’t give me value. My worth doesn’t come in the form of perfectly folded laundry and freshly made meals on the dinner table. Nor, in a paycheck. My value comes from God. And it’s about time I start believing what I know to be true.
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7
If God knows all the hairs on my head, I most certainly must be of value in His sight. Last year my motto was, “present over perfect.” This year I am holding to “confidence in Christ.” I am challenging myself to believe the truth and power in this statement. My value doesn’t come from the things this world values. It comes from Him.
We ALL need a reminder that we add value to this world. We need to be told that we matter. Most of us, including myself, struggle with worth from time-to-time; sometimes all the time. We want to matter. We want to have a positive impact on this world. But, far too often, we instead feel alone, unqualified, and marginalized. We feel like someone else is doing it so no one needs us. We believe the lie that our voice adds nothing. We forget that we are valuable.
You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done – but simply because you are.
Max Lucado
You are valuable just because you exist; because God created you. He created you for a purpose and out of love. You are enough. I know many times it does not feel like enough, but it is.
You are valuable.
This world needs you. We need you. We need your voice, your stories, the gifts you don’t think you have. We need your love, your hugs, your mistakes, your mess. We need it. All of it. Every single thing that makes you you: WE NEED THAT.
So, when you are feeling worthless, when you are feeling completely alone remember that you are needed. You are valuable just because you exist.
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I have written a few times about value and worth. Apparently, this is an area of weakness for me; a thorn in my side. I struggle with believing that I what I do even matters; that I am enough. I am constantly searching for a measuring rod that I can use so I can measure my value. I didn’t realize how much I placed my worth in accomplishments and the number on the pay scale until I decided to stay home and raise the boys.
Before I had kids, I was a go-getter always striving towards some kind of goal. When you stay home to do the mommy thing, the only thing you are chasing is survival. Will we make it to the next meal before having a poop explosion or toddler meltdown? Will I survive the witching hour? That is what you strive towards. Not a beautifully designed vision board for some lofty goal or the next pay raise.
So, the transition from go-getter to mommy was difficult for me. I compensated by never sitting down always doing something. Because, for me, doing equaled value in my distorted mind. Now that I am chasing one of those dreams on the vision board, my longing to find value is amplified.
I started out doing this for the one. If I can positively impact one person, even if that one person is me, than it is all worth it. Somewhere along the way, however, I lost site of the why and started chasing value. I concocted some weird equation in my head as to what deemed me valuable. When those things didn’t happen, when I didn’t see results that equated to my value, I began feeling anxious and unworthy.
Isn’t it like the enemy to know exactly what to do to make you feel like an utter failure. He’s like that ex-best friend who knows your inmost sensitive parts and twists the knife in the wound. He has my number and is playing his hand well. He knows I need some kind of compensation for what I do when I am striving and when that doesn’t come, it can totally decimate my spirit. What he doesn’t see, is that I am equipped with a God that is on my side and by my side no matter my mood and that will decimate him.
Value doesn’t lie in achievements. Value doesn’t come from a certain number on a paycheck. Value doesn’t come from doing it right or accolades from an audience. Value, I am learning, comes from something much simpler, yet, much more meaningful than anything I can make up in my head.
Value comes from God.
When I get in my little tizzies, my husband always asks me what I will do once I hit that mark. He asks me what that “mark” looks like and pressures me to tell him what I would do if I hit that mark. He always ends with, “And then what?” He knows that even if I hit all those goals and fulfill all the areas where I believe value lies, I will still be empty because he knows those things don’t truly satisfy.
I can hit all my marks. I can publish a book and go on a speaking tour. And then what? Then, I come home and do the laundry and make a meal for the millionth time. Reality hits and that mark of value is gone with the wind. I can no longer rest my value in the things this world tells me are valuable. I will always be empty if I do. The only thing of value, my only place of worth, lies in Jesus. And when I sit back and think that the God of the universe who created those beautiful Texas sunsets that I cannot get enough of also created me, little ole me, I can rest in how valuable I am.
You, my beautiful friend, are valuable just because you are. There’s no striving to attain value. There’s nothing you can do to become more or less valuable. You just are. Because the God who paints the skies also painted you and that has more value than anything this world has to offer.
“She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her;
those who hold her fast are called blessed.”
Proverbs 3:13-18
Love & Blessings,
Meg
