Anxiety Part One: Every Day
I wake-up every day afraid. Well, not exactly. I don’t jolt out of bed in fear every morning. I do, however, battle all the things, all the feelings, with each day that comes my way.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
There are three things I remember fearing as a child: thunderstorms (I grew up in Southern California where it rarely rains), roller coasters, and being snatched from my bed at night. Do you remember the Night Stalker from the 80s. He was a serial killer that plagued Los Angeles. He would go into yellow houses and attack his victims. Well, the wall outside my window was yellow so now you can understand my last fear. Anyway, other than those three fears, I don’t remember dealing with fear or anxiety growing up. Even in my early adult years, I was a go-getter; not a risk-taker but I didn’t let many things stop me.
And then I had kids.
And moved to Tornado Alley.
I recall anxiety sneaking in slowly after I had our first son. All of a sudden, I was responsible for another human being. It was the most glorious, yet terrifying, thing I had ever experienced. This little person relied on me (and my husband) for everything. Not only that, now my life mattered more than ever.
When our oldest was about 15 months old, we moved to Texas. I knew the weather was a little crazy, but honestly, had no idea until our first spring. The storms did not completely scare me until our third or fourth spring here. I am not sure why it took that long, but I didn’t fear them until a bit after living here. Again, my fear was rooted in something bad happening to me, my husband, or my child and the wrath of pain left in its wake.
Irrational fear.
I deal with it.
My mind goes there.
Yet, God tells me to be anxious for nothing.
Easier said than done, right?!? Philippians 4:6 and the other 365 verses regarding fear are stabilizing to my soul and helpful. But, I am still human and fear and anxiety still creep in. I know I am not alone. I know there is a reader on the other side of the screen who is nodding along with me. This world brings fear. It’s what we do with that anxiety that matters.
If God designed us, then we must conclude that He wired us with emotion: even fear and anxiety. Fear can be healthy. The Bible talks about having a healthy fear of God. Fear keeps us from doing dangerous things. Fear has a place in our lives. But, fear does not get to own us.
There are a few things I do to overcome my fear and anxiety. The first thing is I have decided that it will not own me. I may allow it to take over in the moment, but after prayer and talking through my irrational thoughts with a trusted friend or my husband, I exhale. The second thing is that I told my village. I did not let the fear and anxiety consume me by keeping it all inside. I think fear, anxiety, depression, and the like bring with it the label of shame. That needs to stop. This is why I am sharing my journey. There is no shame in this. Only grace. And we need our people to walk alongside us carrying us through our valley moments.
Let me say this, your people may not understand your pain. And that’s okay. They don’t need to understand what you are going through or what you are feeling in order to be there for you. Oftentimes, we cannot explain why we are afraid or feeling anxious. You don’t have to. All you need to do is communicate that you need them; you need their love, comfort, and support as you wrestle with your junk.
The last thing I turn to, and this may seem obvious, is God. I don’t hide from Him. I don’t try to sweep my issues under the rug. I am blatantly honest with Him. He can take it and he built me this way. I look at my anxiety as my “thorn in my side” as Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12: 6-8. Paul talks about how the Lord allowed something to “torment” him to keep him humble and close to God. He begged God to take it away, yet, it remained. My anxiety keeps me near the Lord and I am okay with that. Once I accepted that this was a thing I was going to deal with over my lifetime, I was able to attack it that much more. I learned how to lean in instead of retreat and succumb to my irrational thoughts. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Do I fail? Of course. But, I rest in knowing that in the end, I will be okay because I have my God and my tribe.
Anxiety does not have to rule over you. It is something you deal with not your identity. There is no shame in admitting weakness. Only grace. Speaking your inadequacies aloud opens the door to letting God in. You are not alone on this journey. Speak about it. Talk to God. Be vulnerable, real, and honest. He can take it. Rally your troops and get your village around you. Don’t expect them to understand. Just ask them to be there. They will. I promise.
There is a reason God allowed 365 verses about fear to be in the Bible. Meditate in that space. Remind yourself that He knows and He cares. Don’t get caught up in Him removing this “thorn in your side.” Instead, lean into Him when it starts to ache. He will meet you in that space. I am praying for you…and for me. Freedom awaits us. It is found in Him.
Love & Blessings,
Meg