Anxiety Part Two: Cripling

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post five years ago. I cannot believe it has been five years since that eye-opening moment in my life. It was a very difficult season, but could not be more thankful that it happened. I truly believe we need to talk about this. We openly talk about and celebrate physical health. It is time we do the same for our mental and emotional state. Know you are LOVED. You are VALUED. your life has MEANING. You are NOT alone.

Fear.

Anxiety.

Unknown.

Shaken.

Worry.

Paralysis.

My mom tells a story about me when I was three years old. I used to play in our backyard and collect snails. Don’t judge. I was quite the tomboy as a kid. I would take these snails and line them up in a perfect row. I would have them “march” and get upset if they got out of line. The underlying joke in our family is that I have not changed. I like my things, my life, lined up perfectly. If something gets out of place, I get upset. While I know ultimately I am not in control, I strive for this life of stability and all my ducks in a row.

I have learned that this is not how God works. He loves to bless us and give us an abundant life but will move and shift in our lives so that our faith will grow and flourish. I think He thought it awfully funny when He designed our family. Jackson was planned and his birth and the timing of it, perfect. Grady and Wyatt? Not so much. Their pregnancies and births were a whirlwind. I believe giving me three boys so close in age makes God giggle. He knew the chaos it would create and how opposite this was of my personality. I clean up one disaster only to turn around to another. Giving me chaos through my children wasn’t enough, though. He needed to get my attention more boldy.

So, Scott began to travel for work, we put our house on the market, it sold in 21 days, and He moved us into a small space far from the only area I knew and where I was completely comfortable. He also added a foreman who was difficult to work with. As strange as this sounds, He knew exactly what I needed. When we first moved I was excited for the adventure ahead. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He led us to this place; this mark on our journey. What I wasn’t prepared for was how my body, mind, heart, and soul would react. Over the past six months I have traveled to a place I never thought I would land. I am an emotional creature. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. However, I usually have my moment and move on.

Last Wednesday, however, I could not move on. I could not pull myself out of the “moment” I was having. I began having chest pains and experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety. The scariest part was that I felt out of control. I could not contain my fear. I was out of control. Thankfully I am surrounded by an abundance of love. My friend basically forced me to go to the doctor (I am forever thankful) and God provided the most amazing doctor. He checked my heart since I was convinced I was having a heart attack and found nothing. Praise the Lord. What he did find after spending time talking with me is that I am under a lot of stress and anxiety. I felt better knowing my heart was healthy but I felt defeated and disappointed in myself at the same time. Have you ever felt this way? So much guilt, shame, and disappointment in myself because I could not combat this on my own.

It’s taken me a week to share my story. The weekend after my demise was our women’s conference coincidentally entitled, Fearless. I was scared to go (go figure) because I knew my mental and emotional state and didn’t want to hear all these sob stories that have been infiltrating my life for months now and feel like this life is only about suffering. Thankfully the conference was quite the opposite. I left feeling empowered and ready to take back my life. You see, this battle for my mind, body, and soul has nothing to do with me and this world. It has everything to do with Him, the plans HE has for my life and my purpose, and the spiritual battle that is occurring trying to keep me from fulfilling what He created me to do. If Satan gets a hold of me just right, he can tranquilize me from living to my fullest potential for Him. I left filling bold, courageous, and ready to live fully in light of His glory and grace. I no longer want to be afraid. I don’t want to question or fear the unknowns. I want to live for Him in each moment of everyday.

I share my story for two reasons. I believe there are countless women in my predicament. We are battling to stay sane; to not fear what might be and I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. I also share my story because there is a very real battle going on for our souls. Many of us are succumbing to the enemy allowing him to paralyze us so that we stop living preventing others from seeing the kingdom of God. I am not cured. I still fear, worry, and fret. But now I know the source and I am ready for battle.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given you. But when you ask, you must believe because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:2-6

Love & Blessings,

Meg