Marriage: The Secrets
We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary two days ago. I wrote this post back when we celebrated 15. It still holds the same value today as it did a couple of years ago. While there is no secret pill to take to have a successful marriage, there are things we can do to stay connected and thriving in our marriages. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years.
Fifteen years. Seems like a lifetime. Seems like a blink of an eye. Scott and I were married 15 years ago. We had a six year dating adventure before we walked down the aisle. While I feel like we have been together for a lifetime and I cannot remember my life without him by my side, I know we are still babies in this journey. I have learned so many things through marriage: about myself, about others, about love. We are in a season where some of the marriages around us are sadly ending. Some are shocking and eye-opening to how it can happen to any of us. I started looking inward to see what is working between Scott and I wanting to see what is making our marriage work so we can stay healthy. Here are some things I found when I searched our relationship:
Respect: We fully respect one another. And when we don’t, we call each other out and are humble enough to accept responsibility, ask forgiveness, and make the proper changes within ourselves. Respect takes personal sacrifice and I believe we accepted that before we said “I do.” We respect that each of us is vastly different from the other and we have very different needs. We allow each other the space to be who the other is and was created to be. We watch our tone and the words we choose to speak and if we stumble, we accept it and apologize.
Trust: We fully trust one another. We had a hiccup a while back that threatened our trust but we worked through it and found solutions. We opened up our communication that much more and gave each other access to everything. There are no passwords on our phones, no passwords that the other doesn’t know. We have full access to each other’s emails and social profiles. We talk about everything and we listen. We trust one another when it comes to parenting our boys. Neither worries that the other is parenting in a way that doesn’t match the other. When we have to discipline a kiddo without the other parent present, the boys know the missing parent will be filled in. Trust is HUGE and something we work on continuously.
Reality: Life. It’s hard, messy, and full of joy. We know that life is going to come at us and we have decided that we will face realities together as a united front. I think some people think marriage is like the romantic love stories we see in movies and while part of it does resemble those scripts, the reality can look much different and that is not our spouse’s fault. We choose to support each other through the reality of life.
Expectations: It took me awhile to learn that I had expectations for my husband. I can’t tell you how many times in the beginning of our marriage (and in our dating life) Scott would say to me, “You have to tell me. I cannot read your mind.” This used to frustrate me because I wanted him to just know. But, he was right. If I have a need, I need to communicate that. I also learned to step back and see that he was created a certain way. God knew who would love me best and that is Scott. So, I must accept the way he loves me having confidence that God created Scott to love me the way I was designed to receive love. I must drop the expectations and communicate when I have needs whether that be romantic, with the kids, spiritually, or taking out the trash. He doesn’t know unless I speak up. Once I dropped certain expectations that I had for my spouse, I was able to see and enjoy the things he did do for me that got lost in my expectations of him.
You Complete Me: I was a hopeless romantic and honestly believed that I would be complete the moment I got married. Not true. Scott’s job is not to complete me. That’s God’s job. I had to learn in the beginning that it wasn’t my husband’s fault that I had voids in my life. They weren’t for him to fill. That was for God. While Scott compliments me, he does not complete me.
Roles: I know people hate the word submission and also dislike accepting that men and women have certain roles in the home. They feel its limiting and very 1950’s. Let me just say this plain and simple: there are things I am really good at in the home and things Scott is really good at. It has nothing to do with one of us being compartmentalized. He is really good at ironing (thank you, military) and I am really good at keeping the house in order and everything organized. I take out the trash when it’s full and he folds laundry. We definitely have certain roles that we fall into on a regular basis but it’s to support one another not hold power over each other. We accept and fall into our roles being confident that they make our family better. And if we need help, we ask. We don’t stomp around angry that one hasn’t completed an expected task. We’ve accepted our roles and we are happy to serve.
Team: While we are individuals, we are a team. We know that working together is far more successful than working against one another. We keep our confidence in our individuality even when working as a team. Sometimes this means we adhere to the other person and that is okay. The end result isn’t for one of us to win or be glorified. Rather, the end result is for the betterment of the whole not the individual. If we don’t agree what one team member is doing, than we have an honest discussion hearing out their side.
Kids: Kids can overtake your life. I get it. We had three kids and three miscarriages in four years. I was pregnant, nursing, or healing from pregnancy for what seemed like forever. It definitely took a toll on our marriage at times. But, what this taught us, is that our marriage most definitely needs to come before the kids. If our relationship isn’t healthy, neither is our parenting. We are a united front when it comes to the kids and when we disagree, we talk it out (never in front of the kids). We love our kids madly and deeply but we also know that we have more years just he and I than we do with the kids so its imperative that we don’t allow them to overtake our relationship. We are a team when it comes to parenting and talk through so much in regards to how to guide our boys. We respect each other’s parenting decisions trusting one another. Knowing mom and dad are a united front brings our boys a sense of security and helps them trust us with the hard stuff.
Listen: This is definitely one I am continuously working on. People want to be heard so hear your spouse out. I know I feel much better when my husband listens to me and validates what I am saying. He may not agree, but he listens and accepts what I have to say and vice versa. This goes a LONG way.
BFFs: Scott and I broke up twice when we were dating. We broke up for different reasons but kept coming back to each other. I think the main reason we kept coming back to each other was because we were such good friends. We started our relationship building a friendship and that foundation has gotten us through so much. We can both say that we are best friends and that is HUGE in marriage. The romance may ebb and flow, but a friendship is foundational.
Spiritual Foundation: This one took me awhile to figure out. I am one to look at other’s lives from the outside and want what they have or think that is something I need to be doing. When it came to spirituality and our marriage, I definitely had expectations and visions. Unfortunately for me, those expectations did not match how my husband was wired. Once I accepted that it was okay for our spiritual walk together to look different than others’, I felt freedom and peace. We have found our spiritual groove in our marriage and it’s good. It’s good for our relationship and for our kids. They get to witness a marriage that is spiritually whole and that honors how Scott and I were created.
Sex: Yep. I am going there. Here’s the deal: sex is important in marriage. It is not something that should be forced but it should be a central part of your relationship. I remember being in a women’s Bible study about marriage and one of the chapters was on sex. One of the things discussed was that sex is the one thing no one else can share with your spouse (if they do, there’s trouble). I know my husband and I feel distance when we are not intimate. It deepens our relationship and is just as important as the other stuff. Sex is not a chore. It is a privilege. Enjoy it. Do it often. And when you don’t feel like it, pray for intimacy in your relationship. I promise you, God will provide.
I know Scott and I have a lifetime to learn and I look forward to the challenge. We are far from perfect but are committed to loving each other fully and deeply as long as we both shall live.
To so many more years growing together and getting to love each other to the point where we embarrass our children.
Happy 15th my love!
I love you through eternity!
Meg