I wanted to wrap-up my series on miscarriage by telling our complete story. It’s always helpful to get the whole story instead of just bits and pieces.

My husband and I were married for almost four years before we started trying to have a baby. Of course, I wanted babies earlier but my husband always has a plan and that plan typically means we take longer to do things than I’d like. We got pregnant fairly quickly with our first born. His pregnancy and delivery were text book. Everything was healthy and right on schedule.

We knew we wanted one more baby so we started trying again when Jackson was about 18 months old. In my mind, I wanted the kids about two years or so apart. Like my husband, I always had a plan. I thought I’d start having children when I was 24. I didn’t get married until I was 24 so there went that plan. Go figure. I had Jackson at 28 and was hoping to have the next baby by 30.

We got pregnant pretty quick. I went to the typical six week appointment only to find out the baby was there but not growing, progressing, nor was there a heart beat. It took me six weeks to heal from that miscarriage physically. It was gut-wrenching to say the least. I don’t think I have cried that many tears in my life. I knew with all my heart that Jackson was meant to be a sibling kid not an only child. And, at this point, I couldn’t provide that for him.

Three months later, we got pregnant again. I went to the six week appointment and there was our little jelly bean with a heart beat. At eight weeks, we saw our gummy bear and the heart beat was still strong. Ten weeks we saw growth and more strength. And then came week twelve. We walked into the office a little nervous and a little optimistic. We knew things weren’t good when we saw the screen. Our baby no longer looked like a cute little gummy bear. Instead, she looked more like a blob. The pregnancy was no longer viable.

My OB was proactive and wanted to do some testing to find out why I kept miscarrying given that I was healthy, hadn’t had any complications with Jackson, and had no family history. We found out that our baby girl had Downs. I remember feeling mad at God for not entrusting me with this sweet soul. Why wouldn’t he give me, my husband, and Jackson an opportunity to love her? I think that was more difficult than the miscarriage itself.

Because our last baby tested positive for Downs, Scott and I had to go through some genetic testing. We found out that we are not carriers of the gene. Rather, it was a random mutation. We decided to try one more time to get pregnant. I was terrified but knew in the depths of my soul we weren’t supposed to stop trying just yet.

One month after my second miscarriage, I got pregnant with Grady. We weren’t messing around this time. All was going great this time around until 12 weeks. I began having symptoms of miscarriage and could not believe it. Scott whisked me off to the ER. I thought for sure we had lost him. I remember when they took me to the sonogram room. They weren’t going to let Scott come in. After much begging a probing from the crazed pregnant lady, they let him in but told him he couldn’t ask any questions. I looked him square in the eye and told him to study that screen. We had been through enough sonograms at this time that I knew he could read what he saw. While we were waiting for the results, I told Scott that if we lost this baby, I was done. I could not do this again. Three (horrible) hours later, we found out Grady was happy and healthy. I had a placental tear that would heal on its own.

Grady’s pregnancy was eventful. I had the tear, he didn’t move much, and I was pretty much on edge waiting for something bad to happen. Unfortunately, given my history, it was difficult not to worry. Grady decided to make his grand appearance four weeks early on the day of his baby shower. He was happy and healthy and did not have to spend any time in the NICU (thank the Lord Almighty).

When Grady was three months old, I began to feel a little off. I just felt weird. I happened to have an extra pregnancy test and took one just in case. I honestly did not think I was pregnant but why not? Within seconds, that positive result popped up. I was in shock. Complete shock. And then I cried. How on earth can I have another kid when I am holding my infant? I remember taping the positive test to the bathroom mirror and wrote, “Oops, we did it again” on the mirror. Scott didn’t notice my sign for the longest time. Once he did, he was all excited. Me, on the other, hand, I hadn’t even accepted this truth.

Wyatt’s pregnancy was perfect. I was still nervous but I was so busy with a toddler and infant, I couldn’t freak myself out too much. Wyatt was also a wiggle worm so he kept me sane with all his kicks and jabs. I had him three weeks early because his heart rate was elevated. He came naturally and quickly. After I had him, I had some complications but my incredible OB took great care of me and got me back to health.

When Wyatt was almost one we could not believe we were pregnant again. Yes, we know how this happens. We honestly didn’t think it could or would happen again. I went to the typical six week appointment and while my little jelly bean was distinct on the screen, his or her heart beat wasn’t that strong. It was still early so we weren’t all that alarmed but, it was still concerning. I lost the baby at eight weeks. I was devastated once again.

I remember after healing from miscarriage number three my husband and I had the talk. We discussed whether or not we should have any more children. Given the fact that I was just pregnant, I had baby fever. Yes, even after all my heart ache, I still wanted more babies. My husband gave me three viable and credible reasons why we should be done. He persuaded me that day to be content with our three healthy boys.

There were so many moments where I was on my knees, face flat on the ground, crying my eyes out (you know, the type of cry where you have boogers and tears running down your face) to God begging and pleading with Him to take the pain away. There were moments when I felt hopeless and like I would never overcome this valley. But God. He was always right by my side. He was always there. He was in the room when we got the news. He was in the empty nursery when I couldn’t stop crying. He was in the delivery room when we met our miracles. He was there.

God is near you. He has not left your side. No matter what you are going through, He is there. Oftentimes, we wonder if God is so good, then why would He allow pain and anguish to happen. The only answer I have to this is that we live in a fallen and broken world. We just do. If we didn’t, there would be no hope for Heaven and no need for Christ. What I do know for certain is that I meet God deeply and fully in those dark moments. He becomes more real to me than ever when I am in the pit of despair. It is in these times that I truly find hope; hope in a Savior.

Because of God, we have hope in our hopeless moments. I don’t know why I had to lose three precious babies. But, I don’t need to know why to know Jesus. Our loss was not without purpose. I would not have had the opportunity to counsel and bring hope to countless women going through similar circumstances. I wouldn’t have the authority to say that Jesus is VERY real had I not gone through what felt like the pit of hell on earth if I hadn’t suffered and experienced Him meeting me in my distress. I wouldn’t have Grady or Wyatt. My husband and I may not be as close as we are had we not had to fully rely on one another to get through. And, I can guarantee you that I would not be writing in this capacity nor would there be a Messy Mingling had I not gone through my miscarriages all those years ago.

Faith and life, they are messy. The intersection of life and faith is a messy mingling but man, is it ever beautiful. It is in this intersect where beauty emerges from ashes; where hope rises. The moment faith and life collide is the moment Jesus is most powerful in your life. Don’t be afraid of the mess. Don’t think He is not in the mess. Don’t believe the lies that He created the mess and walked away. He is ever present in the mess. It is in the mess where I truly found Jesus. Just say His name. Even if those five letters are the only thing you can mutter. You will feel power in saying the name of Jesus.

I am praying for you. I may not know what you are going through, but I do know God is standing right beside you. He is wiping your tears and helping move you through your anguish. You never have to lose hope because He doesn’t lose hope. He is hope. Jesus has got you and He’s got mighty mighty plans for your life!

Love & Blessings,

Meg