Finding Faith in the Mess
It’s that time of year again; the time when things come to an end and we get to stop making school lunches. Ah. Sweet summertime. By the middle of May, we are all pining for lazy days, swimming to take the place of showers, and …
Dear End of the School Year,
You got me. Long gone are the days of a freezer filled with meals ready to bake. No longer are lunches packed perfectly the night before containing sweet little love notes to my boys. Clothes are not washed and organized on Sunday ready for the week’s wear. The alarm goes off and I do not immediately spring into action ready to tackle the day before me. Nope. You got me end of the school year. You got me good.
The snooze button is often hit one too many times. Lunches are packed in a panic as I wipe the drool off my face impatiently waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. I have every good intention to pre-make dinner stocking our freezer full, but find myself instead scrambling to make dinner because I forgot to defrost the meat, yet again. Laundry piles are high and school forms forbear to be signed. School projects are completed the night before they are due. Library books are forgotten on the shelf at home and reading logs lack a parental signature.
We are all longing for the lazy days of summer. Bare feet and sleeping in are on the agenda. I long for the days where I don’t take a shower because we have been at the lake all day not because I am running around and don’t have the time. I long for snow cones for dinner and side walk chalk covering my driveway; days where we play outside well into the night not knowing the time nor caring. I need days that aren’t demanding we be somewhere on time or have something to do. Days where we watch too much TV because it is too hot to be outside. Fireworks, swimming, and the smell of sunscreen on my skin is beckoning me. I want to eat fresh watermelon and burgers right off the grill. I am ready to feel the warm ground under my bare feet watching my kids get dirty and sweaty in the heat of summer.
I typically long for organization and activity as opposed to laziness and chaos. But this soul is churning for some rest. I need a break and I am not even the one going to school. I feel the teachers pushing through each day, all the while, the countdown to summer is also on their minds. I know because I used to be one. So, this organized type-A personality gal is throwing it all to the wind and surviving these next 2.5 days. Soon the school year will come to a close and endless summer days will be upon us. Our bodies will ache for routine to come back around in a few months. I will long for days planned out and meals on-hand in the freezer once again. But, for now, I long for summer. End of the year, you got me.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
I wanted to wrap-up my series on miscarriage by telling our complete story. It’s always helpful to get the whole story instead of just bits and pieces. My husband and I were married for almost four years before we started trying to have a baby. …
Flashback Post: A Continuation of the Miscarriage Series
I wrote this post when I was twelve weeks pregnant with our middle son. At this point, I had had two miscarriages. I also thought I lost him. I had some complications at 12 weeks that lasted until 20 weeks. This post is emotional, real, and raw. I express how I came to terms with all the questions of “why.” I read my words from over nine years ago and can still feel what I felt then. It was a gut-wrenching time in our lives. But God. God never left our sides. Even when I was angry with Him, He stood firm right next to me. When I was scared in that ER, He held me closer. My prayer in all these posts is that they show you that hope is never lost. You may have never experienced miscarriage and never will. You can still relate to this post. We have all been at a gut-wrenching place where we cry so hard we don’t think we will ever be able to stop. Hope still resides in those desperate moments. He hasn’t left your side. He is still there.
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“You are the God who performs miracles; You will display Your power among the peoples.” Psalm 77:14
Meet our miracle…and our secret. Yes, it is true. I am pregnant; about twelve weeks and a few days to be exact. We wanted to make sure this baby was healthy before announcing how great God has been to us! We have known about this precious little blessing for a little over two months and have eagerly awaited numerous sonogram and test results. We have witnessed God’s mighty, yet gentle, hand every Tuesday for the past five weeks. This baby is a fighter. However, the road is not “clear” quite yet. We met with the pareanatoligist today to do a sonogram and blood test to determine if there are any chromosomal abnormalities; specifically Downs, and Trisomy 13 and 18. Although the sonogram looked great and the doctor said we were in the “safe zone,” we are still waiting for blood test results. We will receive these in 5-7 business days. These results will hopefully confirm what the sono showed-no complications. Please be on your knees that this sweet child is as healthy and strong as it has appeared.
I must say that this pregnancy has been a journey of faith. Not only have I had to overcome worry, fear, and doubt, we’ve hit some bumps along the way. One major test of my faith came Sunday afternoon. I began cramping and bleeding. Scott and I rushed to the ER and after three and a half hours it was determined that I have a placental tear. There’s some fancy name for it but this is easier for me to say and spell. Anyway, the baby was fine, and still is fine. The tear typically does not affect the baby. We were reassured of this today when the doctor measured the tear and further encouraged us that it is okay and happens often in the first trimester. I was on pretty strict bed rest yesterday and now have just been told to take it easy. I am feeling fine and I promise I am resting although that is a hard “rule” for me to follow:) Even though this was a pretty big scare and I was nervous at times, I had an overarching sense of peace and serenity. That was God!
Now I need to be vulnerable and honest with all of you. As I go through this miraculous journey I have struggled with not saying anything or writing about it on my blog. My desire is that you see God in all of this; even those, ESPECIALLY those, who do not believe. Every Tuesday as Scott is praying for God’s will in our lives I am praying for a miracle and every Tuesday I have witnessed one. When we were in the ER Scott held my hand and he prayed for us. He asked me specifically what I wanted prayer for and I said a miracle. He responded in telling me that all he could pray for was God’s will. I respect him beyond words that he can so confidently pray and desire for God’s will to be done without truly knowing what the end result will entail. Meanwhile, however, I was praying for a miracle silently to myself. I was not pleading or begging. I was just asking God to show His mighty and merciful hand and that He still works miracles today. And you know what, He did just that. He performed a miracle Sunday night! There was NO way in my mind that the baby was alive and sure enough the baby was perfectly healthy! If that doesn’t help you to see God’s glory I don’t know what will!
Some of you who are still skeptical may ask, “If God still performs miracles and is as good as you say He is then why did you have to go through what you did? Why didn’t He save my other babies? Well, I can’t answer for God but I can tell you what I think. I needed to be taught. I had to learn something. I needed to be solely dependent on Him and know that I am really not in control and that is OKAY. Actually, it is better than okay. I’d rather have my Creator and merciful God be in control that crazy old me! Unfortunately I am stubborn and a visual/tangible learner. God HAD to get my attention in a mighty way. I will be forever grateful and indebted for what I’ve gone through in this past year for I am not the same person I was before and I could not be more relieved! Secondly, you would never have seen God in such a powerful and glorious way had I not gone through what I have. If I had another healthy pregnancy right away we’d all rejoice and be happy which is totally fine. However, we would have missed God’s glory, magnificence, power, beauty, grace, righteousness, gentleness had this been the case. His glory shines so brightly now. Last, He, I believe, was protecting Scott and I from having a baby with special needs or major health problems. Scott and I pray daily, and always have when I am pregnant, for a healthy vibrant baby. When the baby wasn’t healthy, he took her away.
So, there you have it. That’s my heart. All I desire through this is that you see the AMAZING God I love! I may not understand Him all the time but I know and believe that He is merciful, glorious, and mighty! He has great plans for this baby! I just feel it in my bones! If you are a believer, please take a moment to praise Him for this miracle and stop for a moment and thank Him for the miracles He gives you EVERYDAY! If you are still not convinced that He is God, that there is a God, just follow my story. You will see Him. Also, take a moment to reread this week’s “Monday Musings.” I really think the verses of praise will have new meaning for you!
I love and cherish all of you! Thank you for taking the time to read what comes purely from my heart. Thank you for praying for me and my family. This miracle would not be occurring in my life without the power and presence of prayer. Please continue praying that the test results come back negative and that sweet little miracle baby keeps thriving! I will keep you posted!
“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.” Romans 4:20
“Through Him we have gained access by faith into His grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope and glory of God.” Romans 5:2
Love & Blessings,
Meg
FLASHBACK POST: …a continuation of my series on miscarriage. This entry is vulnerable, real, and raw. The dead of night is always the hardest when you are going through something tough. It is when you are completely alone in your feelings. I remember this night …
FLASHBACK POST: Lately, I have realized that I need to share what brought me into the blogging world: my story. My original blog (hello, MySpace) was a place where I recorded milestones and triumphs of our first born and our adventures in a new town. …
FLASHBACK FRIDAY: A Post on Motherhood to Celebrate All The Mamas Out There
Ten years ago my husband and I loaded everything we owned into a moving van. We strapped our 15-month old into his car seat and headed 3,000 miles east to plant new roots in the middle of the country. I had a deep longing to stay at home with our son and moving was the only way we could live this lifestyle. Everything I had known, most of my identity, was stripped away from me the moment we pulled out of the driveway. No longer was I a teacher. I had graduated from college so student-life was a thing of the past. My family and friends all stayed behind so I had to find a new village. The only part of me that remained was wife and mom. Two things I cherish(ed) but I wasn’t used to them being the only things that defined me. Transition. Change. It’s the hard stuff.
Flash-forward and I have been a stay-at-home mom and wife for ten years. I have found my identity in this role and gotten comfy. I dappled in photography and taught preschool for a split-second, but, the majority of who I am is found in wife and mom taking care of the home front. I like it. I don’t want to let go of it but I feel it slipping through my fingers like wet sand.
My boys are my entire world. I wake up every day and think of the things I need to do to care for them. As every mom knows, that list is long and seemingly endless. They always have needs. Always. But, I happily oblige these things because those boys are literally my whole life; my whole world. Yes, I am a daughter of the King first, wife second, and mama third. I get that and try my very best to live out that pyramid. I also know, that in this season, I am called to our home and the raising of these kids. However, something very peculiar is happening and it’s happening fast: they’re growing up. (Que the ugly cry)
I gave up myself so that my boys could have a good life. I chose to leave my identity behind so I could fully take on the role of mom. I am here for them most of the time. They have a need, there I am. Lately, however, these kiddos have desired a little freedom. Mind you, I do not do everything for them. I truly believe in teaching kids from a very early age how to care for themselves and be an active participant in the needs of the home and family. What I am referring to when it comes to freedom is the need to explore outside of my hovering. They want to ride their bikes with their friends around the neighborhood. They want to go down to the lake and explore without mom right behind them. My oldest wants to stay home instead of run errands. Mom is still needed but in a different capacity.
My whole life and my whole world is growing up entirely too fast. It is such a bittersweet experience. I absolutely LOVE sitting back and watching my boys become their own person outside of their dad and I. It’s like a glimpse into their future selves. My oldest is going to his first day of middle school on Monday and while I feel more sad about this than the day he entered kindergarten, there’s an excitement within me knowing I will get to witness my boy become a man in the next few years. What a privilege.
My boys will always need me. Their needs may change, but there will always be a need for their mama. What they need from me now is space: space to grow, space to be, space to make mistakes, space to be alone. It’s scary entering this new world. How do you let your whole world go? It’s like the first time your toddler tells you, “I do it.” On one hand, you are elated that you no longer have to buckle them into their car seat because they can do it and on the other hand you want to cry because they no longer need you in that capacity. I am there only their “I do its” usually refer to doing something completely outside of me.
Motherhood. It’s this black hole of so much love and indescribable emotion. You feel like your heart may explode because you love them so much. You want them to need you while at the same time, you just want to pee alone. Your parents and those older and wiser tell you it all goes so fast and you don’t believe them. And then one day you blink and the 15-month old that you buckled into his car seat before you gave your life away to be his mama became this incredible young man about to enter middle school. It’s a wicked game that time.
My whole life and my whole world are growing up at warp speed. I can’t slow time down. I wish I could but I can’t. All I can do is savor the moments; collect them in a jar in my heart and let them be. It’s truly a gift to witness these little guys grow. It’s been a wild ride. One I will never ever regret.
I am so thankful I gave myself up so I could be their mama. And just because they may grow to be taller than me doesn’t change who I am to them. I will always be their mama.
“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” Psalm 127:3-5
Love & Blessings,
Meg
Jesus isn’t prepackaged. He doesn’t fit into one of those pre-made dinners we all love to grab when we are in a hurry. He doesn’t fit into our agenda. He was never meant to. If Jesus isn’t making you a little uncomfortable, if you aren’t …
