On My Knees
FLASHBACK POST:
Lately, I have realized that I need to share what brought me into the blogging world: my story. My original blog (hello, MySpace) was a place where I recorded milestones and triumphs of our first born and our adventures in a new town. And then it happened: miscarriage. I felt trapped. I needed an outlet and that became writing and sharing my story. I have read and heard three stories of miscarriage this week. At the same time, I was able to celebrate the announcement of a healthy pregnancy of a friend who has been trying for 12 years. It’s time I revisit my story. Not to hurt again or throw it in the face of others that my story worked out. But instead, to unify us through our stories; to empower us and heal us by sharing the deepest of our hurts. I do not have answers to your questions of “why.” What I do have is hope. I always had hope even in my darkest times because I had Jesus. I hope this week helps you feel less alone and fills you with hope and peace in the midst of your despair. I am praying for you and loving on you even though I may not know your name. So is He and He does know your name. Rest in that.
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“I realized I wanted to see the whole body moving instead of just doing my part. I wanted to know the ins and outs of what I was affecting, and a little diagram of potential issues headed my way would be awesome. I wanted the scientist’s view. I wasn’t given that, and it wasn’t by accident.” Angie Smith
I was on my knees in Grady’s room crying harder than I probably ever have begging our great Lord for my precious boy. You see, I had been through two miscarriages, one being at the end of the first trimester with a baby that had Downs. Grady’s room sat empty and I desperately wanted it filled. I knew deep down in my heart that Jackson was meant to be a big brother and not an only child but after the way things were going, that looked bleak. I begged and cried and begged some more. I am sure I promised God the moon too. God did eventually bless us with Grady and then blew our socks off with Wyatt; our bonus baby that we weren’t planning on but now know we needed him to complete our family.
At the moment of my despair as I was crying over two lost pregnancies and desiring a sibling for Jack, I wish I could have had that diagram Angie talks about. I want to know what’s around the corner and that my prayers have meaning and an effect. Even though I believe with all of my heart and my very being that God absolutely heard me that day on my knees in Grady’s room, I do not think my begging, crying, and promising my everything gave me Grady. I know God designed my family well before I even knew who He was. Wyatt taught me this. Scott and I were done having kids after Grady. Literally, a month after having the conversation that two boys was plenty, I got pregnant. This, after all the issues I had trying to have Grady. God knew. He had our family perfectly designed regardless of my plans or prayers. His will.
My friend and I are doing a book study of Angie Smith’s, Chasing God. The chapter we just went through was on prayer. We had an incredible conversation about how all the begging in the world will not change God’s mind. That was a blow to Michelle and I. Not because we think we are all powerful and want to control God. No. We want to know that our prayers matter. And you know what? They do. Prayer brings us closer to the one who Created us. Prayers give us peace and hope, joy and comfort. God has a design, a perfect will, for our lives where everything is working together to create a perfect and beautiful story for our lives. Prayer connects us to that story.
“Delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
For years I misunderstood Psalm 37:4. I thought if I walked with the Lord and lived for Him He would give me what I desired. I have a different perspective on this verse now. I believe that as I grow closer to God my desires become His desires. I feel the same way with prayer. Jesus even prayed to the Father about how he really felt about the dying on the cross BUT he didn’t stop there. He prayed that the Father’s WILL be done. Not Jesus’ desires but the Father’s will. I believe whole-heartedly that God brings specific people in our lives to prayer over us. I also believe He fills our hearts with desires and what to pray. Do I think He controls us? Absolutely not. He gave us free will for a reason. He did, however, give us the Holy Spirit to guide us in our lives and that’s exactly what I believe happens in our prayers. The Holy Spirit is present and active when we pray.
So, what now? What does this mean for my prayer life? Angie Smith says this, “What I have been given is the ability to take in and give out. I don’t really understand the way it distributes itself throughout the body, or how it comes back to me, but it doesn’t keep me from doing what He made be to do. And it doesn’t make me insignificant. It just means I’m not always in a position to see or feel my significance, so I choose to defer to the One who does.” <i>Chasing God</i>
I will pray and believe great and mighty things from a great and mighty God. I will tap into the power of the Holy Spirit when I pray. I will ask God to transform my desires to His because they are better anyway (Wyatt is a prime example of His plan being better than mine). I will pray to grow closer to Him and commune with Him. I will walk along the way and talk with Him through my prayers about silly stuff. And I will continue praying miracle prayers as I am doing for someone I love right now. He places burdens on our heart to pray for, don’t ignore it. Instead, pray believing doing your part, my part, and letting Him worry about His.
Love & Blessings,
Meg