Death by Motherhood
Is there such thing as death by motherhood? Because I think this break just may kill me. Or, I may break like a badly beaten toy. Mercy. This has been a tough season; probably one of my most exhausting seasons of motherhood yet and that is saying a lot.
I have an innate desire to enjoy my boys. I know I will blink and they will all be taller than me and moved out of my house. So, I try to be intentional with the time I do have with these kids before they don’t want to snuggle their mama anymore.
However, this season, say a week or so before Christmas until now, the Fish boys have completely lost their marbles. Like, went-off-the-rails-who-are-these-children-because-you-are-not-mine-crazy. Everything from bickering non-stop, talking back to their father and I, and losing all modes of self-control.
I AM DONE.
I am in this weird season where my kids (ages 7, 8, and 11) still need me but don’t need me as much. It’s this bizarre triangle where I am trying to find my place in their lives while giving them independence at the same time.
Motherhood, man. It’s a mystery.
Every season has its challenges, but this one feels especially hard. Their needs have changed from wiping their heiny’s and getting them snacks to making sure they are good humans and not impulsive. Impulsive behavior no longer means jutting out into the street. It now comes with consequences bigger than any of us are equipped to deal with.
These past two weeks have completely depleted and exhausted me. I feel like I have disciplined more and enjoyed less. That is heart-wrenching for me. I don’t know if it is because of the extreme cold, being trapped indoors, lack of schedule, and no structure to our days or I did them wrong by getting them used to mom being the “cruise director.”
I feel like a failure.
I know you have, too. I am here to tell you, to tell myself, we are not failures. These moments, these hard, “I don’t think I am going to survive” moments are where the real growth happens. This space not only stretches us mamas farther than we think we can go, but it also shows our kids that we need Jesus just as much as they do. We can’t mom alone. I don’t know why we try to so often.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
We usually refer to this verse for ourselves and how uniquely God made us. However, I see it differently today. I need to see it differently today. God knit my boys together in MY womb on purpose. He knows I will fail. He knows I will flounder. He knows I will think I can’t do this. He also knows that I am the perfect one for the job. He chose me to be Jackson, Grady, and Wyatt’s mom even in those not-to-proud mama moments.
The seasons of struggle in motherhood (sometimes they seem like everyday) are the seasons when Jesus is most present because he is so needed. He stands in the gap that we cannot fill no matter how hard we try. This gives me hope and lessens my striving.
So, we will go on a walk because boys are like puppies and need to get their energy out. We will come home and have dinner and pretend that bedtime and showers are a huge surprise and an opportunity to run around the house naked like frat boys. And I will collapse in my bed thanking God for all of my successes and failures in my momming today because they all mattered and they all were necessary. My day had purpose in my sons’ lives regardless if I was Pinterest mom or mommy dearest.
Let Jesus stand in the gaps. Remember that he chose you to be the place he would knit together the beautiful lives of your children to give purpose and glory to his kingdom. We are not failures. We are his and he holds us close.
We will not die by motherhood. Although, some days may seem like it. Our children will see moms who gave their everything every moment of every day but still needed Jesus and so do they. May we be the vessel with which they see and find their Savior in and through our success and failures of motherhood.
I am praying for you. Rally on mamas. You’ve got this! And so do I!
Love & Blessings,
Meg