Finding Faith in the Mess
Dear End of the School Year, You got me. Long gone are the days of a freezer filled with meals ready to bake. No longer are lunches packed perfectly the night before containing sweet little love notes to my boys. Clothes are not washed and …
I wanted to wrap-up my series on miscarriage by telling our complete story. It’s always helpful to get the whole story instead of just bits and pieces. My husband and I were married for almost four years before we started trying to have a baby. …
Flashback Post: A Continuation of the Miscarriage Series
I wrote this post when I was twelve weeks pregnant with our middle son. At this point, I had had two miscarriages. I also thought I lost him. I had some complications at 12 weeks that lasted until 20 weeks. This post is emotional, real, and raw. I express how I came to terms with all the questions of “why.” I read my words from over nine years ago and can still feel what I felt then. It was a gut-wrenching time in our lives. But God. God never left our sides. Even when I was angry with Him, He stood firm right next to me. When I was scared in that ER, He held me closer. My prayer in all these posts is that they show you that hope is never lost. You may have never experienced miscarriage and never will. You can still relate to this post. We have all been at a gut-wrenching place where we cry so hard we don’t think we will ever be able to stop. Hope still resides in those desperate moments. He hasn’t left your side. He is still there.
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“You are the God who performs miracles; You will display Your power among the peoples.” Psalm 77:14
Meet our miracle…and our secret. Yes, it is true. I am pregnant; about twelve weeks and a few days to be exact. We wanted to make sure this baby was healthy before announcing how great God has been to us! We have known about this precious little blessing for a little over two months and have eagerly awaited numerous sonogram and test results. We have witnessed God’s mighty, yet gentle, hand every Tuesday for the past five weeks. This baby is a fighter. However, the road is not “clear” quite yet. We met with the pareanatoligist today to do a sonogram and blood test to determine if there are any chromosomal abnormalities; specifically Downs, and Trisomy 13 and 18. Although the sonogram looked great and the doctor said we were in the “safe zone,” we are still waiting for blood test results. We will receive these in 5-7 business days. These results will hopefully confirm what the sono showed-no complications. Please be on your knees that this sweet child is as healthy and strong as it has appeared.
I must say that this pregnancy has been a journey of faith. Not only have I had to overcome worry, fear, and doubt, we’ve hit some bumps along the way. One major test of my faith came Sunday afternoon. I began cramping and bleeding. Scott and I rushed to the ER and after three and a half hours it was determined that I have a placental tear. There’s some fancy name for it but this is easier for me to say and spell. Anyway, the baby was fine, and still is fine. The tear typically does not affect the baby. We were reassured of this today when the doctor measured the tear and further encouraged us that it is okay and happens often in the first trimester. I was on pretty strict bed rest yesterday and now have just been told to take it easy. I am feeling fine and I promise I am resting although that is a hard “rule” for me to follow:) Even though this was a pretty big scare and I was nervous at times, I had an overarching sense of peace and serenity. That was God!
Now I need to be vulnerable and honest with all of you. As I go through this miraculous journey I have struggled with not saying anything or writing about it on my blog. My desire is that you see God in all of this; even those, ESPECIALLY those, who do not believe. Every Tuesday as Scott is praying for God’s will in our lives I am praying for a miracle and every Tuesday I have witnessed one. When we were in the ER Scott held my hand and he prayed for us. He asked me specifically what I wanted prayer for and I said a miracle. He responded in telling me that all he could pray for was God’s will. I respect him beyond words that he can so confidently pray and desire for God’s will to be done without truly knowing what the end result will entail. Meanwhile, however, I was praying for a miracle silently to myself. I was not pleading or begging. I was just asking God to show His mighty and merciful hand and that He still works miracles today. And you know what, He did just that. He performed a miracle Sunday night! There was NO way in my mind that the baby was alive and sure enough the baby was perfectly healthy! If that doesn’t help you to see God’s glory I don’t know what will!
Some of you who are still skeptical may ask, “If God still performs miracles and is as good as you say He is then why did you have to go through what you did? Why didn’t He save my other babies? Well, I can’t answer for God but I can tell you what I think. I needed to be taught. I had to learn something. I needed to be solely dependent on Him and know that I am really not in control and that is OKAY. Actually, it is better than okay. I’d rather have my Creator and merciful God be in control that crazy old me! Unfortunately I am stubborn and a visual/tangible learner. God HAD to get my attention in a mighty way. I will be forever grateful and indebted for what I’ve gone through in this past year for I am not the same person I was before and I could not be more relieved! Secondly, you would never have seen God in such a powerful and glorious way had I not gone through what I have. If I had another healthy pregnancy right away we’d all rejoice and be happy which is totally fine. However, we would have missed God’s glory, magnificence, power, beauty, grace, righteousness, gentleness had this been the case. His glory shines so brightly now. Last, He, I believe, was protecting Scott and I from having a baby with special needs or major health problems. Scott and I pray daily, and always have when I am pregnant, for a healthy vibrant baby. When the baby wasn’t healthy, he took her away.
So, there you have it. That’s my heart. All I desire through this is that you see the AMAZING God I love! I may not understand Him all the time but I know and believe that He is merciful, glorious, and mighty! He has great plans for this baby! I just feel it in my bones! If you are a believer, please take a moment to praise Him for this miracle and stop for a moment and thank Him for the miracles He gives you EVERYDAY! If you are still not convinced that He is God, that there is a God, just follow my story. You will see Him. Also, take a moment to reread this week’s “Monday Musings.” I really think the verses of praise will have new meaning for you!
I love and cherish all of you! Thank you for taking the time to read what comes purely from my heart. Thank you for praying for me and my family. This miracle would not be occurring in my life without the power and presence of prayer. Please continue praying that the test results come back negative and that sweet little miracle baby keeps thriving! I will keep you posted!
“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.” Romans 4:20
“Through Him we have gained access by faith into His grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope and glory of God.” Romans 5:2
Love & Blessings,
Meg
FLASHBACK POST: Lately, I have realized that I need to share what brought me into the blogging world: my story. My original blog (hello, MySpace) was a place where I recorded milestones and triumphs of our first born and our adventures in a new town. …
FLASHBACK FRIDAY: A Post on Motherhood to Celebrate All The Mamas Out There Ten years ago my husband and I loaded everything we owned into a moving van. We strapped our 15-month old into his car seat and headed 3,000 miles east to plant new …
I am a recovering perfectionist. Weeellll, I can’t honestly say I’m recovered, but I am working on getting there. I did have to do about a bazillion things and get them all perfectly in order before I could sit down and write today. So there’s that.
I have always chased perfection. Ever since I was little, I have had a longing for everything to be in its place; including my life. My lovies had a particular place on my bed. The knick-knacks and barbies all had a home. When I got married, my husband used to mess with my throw pillows because I had to have them in a certain order. I usually can’t sit down until everything is picked up and put away. When something in my life goes wrong, I react illogically and emotionally. It’s my fantasy for control.
Perfection is not attainable this side of Heaven.
I was on a walk admiring the scenery around our town lake. Everything grows naturally. There are so many types of plants, bushes, and trees. The turtles sun-bathe on the logs floating in the water. It’s gorgeous. Some people would love to see the landscape a little more manicured. I like it a little wild.
As I exited the trail, I thought about my boys. I thought I wanted perfection for them. But, I don’t. Perfection isn’t reality. I want them to live life, make mistakes, and experience reality. I don’t want them chasing something that they will never find. I want them to grow naturally, like the foliage around the lake. It is in that wild growth where beauty blossoms.
We desire to protect our children. We long to keep them safe and cushion them from getting hurt knowing that our hearts will shattered just as hard as theirs; if not more. But, when I look back at my journey, I see a slew of mistakes that made me who I am today. Mistakes taught me, humbled me, challenged me, made me stronger, shifted perspective, shifted directions, and taught me more than I would ever had known had I lived a sheltered life. I don’t want my boys to hurt, but I do want them to learn.
“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12
Perfection isn’t reality until eternity. If I convince my sons that they can live a perfect life than I am preventing them from wanting more for themselves, for their friends, for their families, for the strangers they meet. I don’t want to limit them by sheltering them from imperfection.
I look at the trail down by the lake seeing the untamed landscape and am reminded that life grows there. Life expands in all its twists and turns and knotted limbs. Sometimes, there is overgrowth that needs to be trimmed back or weeds that need pulling. But, that’s where experience happens and wisdom matures.
I want life for my kids, not perfection. I will (slowly) give them wings as they filter out this life being there to help them trim back the impassable trail and pull out the stuff that’s choking them down. I will remind them that they were meant for more: their longing is a longing for eternity where perfection will meet them at the gates. For now, however, I will teach them to embrace the longing for perfection and not to shy away from the imperfect because that’s where Jesus resides. I will show them my scars and allow them to see that mommy, too, lives an imperfect life. We will trudge along together on the path where the terrain runs wild and free learning, growing, and searching for the only One that can bring us true perfection.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
Anyone struggle in the parenting realm? I wish I had the hand-raising emoji. I have a feeling we would all be raising our hands. Like any mom, I struggle in all the things motherhood. Just name a day of the week and I can tell …
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 They are not responsible for my joy. No one is, really. My joy does not lie in …
Is there such thing as death by motherhood? Because I think this break just may kill me. Or, I may break like a badly beaten toy. Mercy. This has been a tough season; probably one of my most exhausting seasons of motherhood yet and that is saying a lot.
I have an innate desire to enjoy my boys. I know I will blink and they will all be taller than me and moved out of my house. So, I try to be intentional with the time I do have with these kids before they don’t want to snuggle their mama anymore.
However, this season, say a week or so before Christmas until now, the Fish boys have completely lost their marbles. Like, went-off-the-rails-who-are-these-children-because-you-are-not-mine-crazy. Everything from bickering non-stop, talking back to their father and I, and losing all modes of self-control.
I AM DONE.
I am in this weird season where my kids (ages 7, 8, and 11) still need me but don’t need me as much. It’s this bizarre triangle where I am trying to find my place in their lives while giving them independence at the same time.
Motherhood, man. It’s a mystery.
Every season has its challenges, but this one feels especially hard. Their needs have changed from wiping their heiny’s and getting them snacks to making sure they are good humans and not impulsive. Impulsive behavior no longer means jutting out into the street. It now comes with consequences bigger than any of us are equipped to deal with.
These past two weeks have completely depleted and exhausted me. I feel like I have disciplined more and enjoyed less. That is heart-wrenching for me. I don’t know if it is because of the extreme cold, being trapped indoors, lack of schedule, and no structure to our days or I did them wrong by getting them used to mom being the “cruise director.”
I feel like a failure.
I know you have, too. I am here to tell you, to tell myself, we are not failures. These moments, these hard, “I don’t think I am going to survive” moments are where the real growth happens. This space not only stretches us mamas farther than we think we can go, but it also shows our kids that we need Jesus just as much as they do. We can’t mom alone. I don’t know why we try to so often.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
We usually refer to this verse for ourselves and how uniquely God made us. However, I see it differently today. I need to see it differently today. God knit my boys together in MY womb on purpose. He knows I will fail. He knows I will flounder. He knows I will think I can’t do this. He also knows that I am the perfect one for the job. He chose me to be Jackson, Grady, and Wyatt’s mom even in those not-to-proud mama moments.
The seasons of struggle in motherhood (sometimes they seem like everyday) are the seasons when Jesus is most present because he is so needed. He stands in the gap that we cannot fill no matter how hard we try. This gives me hope and lessens my striving.
So, we will go on a walk because boys are like puppies and need to get their energy out. We will come home and have dinner and pretend that bedtime and showers are a huge surprise and an opportunity to run around the house naked like frat boys. And I will collapse in my bed thanking God for all of my successes and failures in my momming today because they all mattered and they all were necessary. My day had purpose in my sons’ lives regardless if I was Pinterest mom or mommy dearest.
Let Jesus stand in the gaps. Remember that he chose you to be the place he would knit together the beautiful lives of your children to give purpose and glory to his kingdom. We are not failures. We are his and he holds us close.
We will not die by motherhood. Although, some days may seem like it. Our children will see moms who gave their everything every moment of every day but still needed Jesus and so do they. May we be the vessel with which they see and find their Savior in and through our success and failures of motherhood.
I am praying for you. Rally on mamas. You’ve got this! And so do I!
Love & Blessings,
Meg